My dogs are called Rolex and Timex.
They’re my watch dogs.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
What did the buffalo say when its child left for college?
Bison.
Why are pediatricians always so angry?
Because they have little patients.
Why is “R” the pirate’s second favorite letter?
Because their first love is the C.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
They woke up when the teacher shouted.
Why are mountains so good at telling jokes?
Because they’re hill areas.
What days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weak days.
A man is washing his car with his son when the son asks him:
“Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
A man was surprised to discover a fairy living at the end of his garden.
The fairy offered three wishes to the man if he’d keep the fairy’s existence a secret.
“Deal,” said the man.
“For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.”
“Okay, Rich,” said the fairy, “what would you like for your second wish?”
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 5,000 miles.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So that when the ships dock, it’s easy to Scandinavian.
What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
Why can’t you eat Wookie meat?
Because it’s chewy.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One fish says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?
Walking. JK. Rolling.
Why don’t hippies like camping? ‘Cause it’s in tents, man.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Yo mama’s so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo mama’s so fat she walked past the TV and I missed six episodes.
Yo mama’s so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.
Yo mama’s so old, her Social Security number is one.
Yo mama’s so stupid she sold her car for gas money.
Yo mama’s so fat her belly gets home 15 minutes before the rest of her.
Yo mama’s so poor, she can’t even afford to pay attention.
Yo moma’s so fat, she had to get baptized at SeaWorld.
Yo mama’s so short her head smells like feet.
Yo mama’s so old her memory is in black and white.
Yo mama’s so lazy, she stuck her nose out the window and let the wind blow it.
Yo mama’s so stupid she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
Yo mama’s house is so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
Yo mama’s so ugly, when she was little, she could only trick-or-treat by phone.
Yo mama’s so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
Yo mama’s so skinny her pajamas only have one stripe.
Yo moma’s so fat, she has to use a satellite to take selfies.
Yo mama’s so lazy she’s got a remote control just to operate her remote.
Yo mama’s so ugly not even goldfish will smile back.
Yo mama’s so short, people thought she was a Funko Pop
Yo mama’s so old that when she was in school, history classes hadn’t been invented.
Yo mama’s so stupid if she said what’s on her mind she’d probably be speechless.
Yo mama’s so scary, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo mama’s so fat she doesn’t skinny dip, she chunky dunks.
Yo mama’s so stupid she dropped a rock on the ground and missed.
Yo mama’s so ugly, she made a Happy Meal cry.
Yo mama’s so dirty a tornado hit her house and did $10,000 worth of improvement.
Yo mama’s so small she got run over by a Hot Wheel.
Yo mama’s house is so small, if you buy a large pizza you have to go outside to eat it.
Yo mama’s so stupid, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.
Yo mama’s so ugly that even Scooby Doo couldn’t solve that mystery.
Yo mama’s so fat she has two watches; one for each time zone she’s in.
Yo mama’s so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people’s fingers.
