I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Why should you stay away from trees?
They can be a little shady.
My dogs are called Rolex and Timex.
They’re my watch dogs.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
What did the buffalo say when its child left for college?
Why are pediatricians always so angry?
Because they have little patients.
Why is “R” the pirate’s second favorite letter?
Because their first love is the C.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
They woke up when the teacher shouted.
Why are mountains so good at telling jokes?
Because they’re hill areas.
What days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weak days.
A man is washing his car with his son when the son asks him:
“Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
A man was surprised to discover a fairy living at the end of his garden.
The fairy offered three wishes to the man if he’d keep the fairy’s existence a secret.
“Deal,” said the man.
“For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.”
“Okay, Rich,” said the fairy, “what would you like for your second wish?”
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 5,000 miles.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So that when the ships dock, it’s easy to Scandinavian.
What’s a foot long and slippery?
Why can’t you eat Wookie meat?
Because it’s chewy.
What do you call bears with no ears?
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One fish says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?
Walking. JK. Rolling.
Why don’t hippies like camping? ‘Cause it’s in tents, man.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.